Marriage

Its such a simple word, sharing & caring, adjusting, taking responsibility. Those mentioned words are something i believe when it comes the small word in a big palate. Something is diminishing, dimming, getting colorless. That's life! U believe it or not but I believe in this truth. The reason behind pretension, lie, secret all are in no use until 'you' know what 'you' want from whom! Something is knocking, its timeless, motionless; something inexpressible. Everything is so expensive even human emotion. World is getting so expensive except sex, rape, humiliation! Strangers are around.

I am fine with myself. Whatever pain its all mine. So nothing to worry. I have no fear for collapsing as I have seen human collapsed, materials are less imp in compare to them.

Where are you I don't know, be happy & stay the way you are.

A different life!!

A clash between me & mine. Continuously fighting with everybody even with time. Insane about expectation, desires, requires. Omitted the fact that whatever has to happen it will happen. I would be the luckiest if my mine would understand me. Scare to be happy because at present I am not prepare to take any more pain. Trying to be more flexible. Flexibility is important to live life. Denying the fact 'If' & 'But'. But still it is haunting me. Feeling to fly & float. Destiny is unknown so what the travel is important. Hardly smile, laugh is far away. Force myself to laugh. Things were not like this. Giggling giggles around. Got scold to laugh less so that evils eye could not follow. So much superstitions, ah! please let me face it if pain is there let me take it. And finally it soaks. Saying is there 'when you laugh, the world will laugh with you, but when you cry you cry alone' . The relation between tears & cry is so pure. But it is very rare when you cry from the bottom of your soul, that pain got suppressed. Is it man & woman's inner soul is different? Then why a woman can cry in-front of a man & a man can't? Seen father to cry twice, when he understood the real mistake of him & he did not have more time to checked it..!

Bombay rain . . .! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

It's moody, trashy, dizzy, silly. The rain rains not always the same. Lucky not to be claimed. Niche but not nice. Pours on drain to drum, soars to sun. Sometime slow sometime run. Rendezvous on earth. Shy to be shied, dwindling on sky. Raise high & low without any flow. Shake you at night, make you yawn at daylight. Aside you sick on road & make you alive when you read. Gorgeous without gaze! All gain without pain. Reap grain, leap sane!

It roars without thunder. Round you circle & square. Bizarre at bay, not much clay. Mild not mad. Smells scent, views giant. Jungle starts walk towards road. Rhythm to dance with the setting sun. Relieves when cross the rush. Makes you crush to fun followers!

Paint the rain on the canvas of sky with color green dip the brush in blue. Spray it with brown. In the middle there is always hue!

It's a mirror of the city with lot of dignity! Have a nice time with blissful numb!

How was 2018!

The fear, the hatred, the love, and the blessings, all became one when I first time hold her on my arms. For me gunuinely it was more scientific magic than emotional outcome. I lived this more of my past on the first half. Second half I was occupied by my child. The year taught me that we are not above our hormonal changes and physical need. Lack of patience dominant through out the year. It was more of a war with mom, in regards to food on time, talk nice things. I always wanted her to understand my emotional need. And whenever it was not happening I got furious. But time must move on. And when at the end of the day I talked to my child, all my anger got demenishes.

Depression is not a disease it's a disorder!

I was never been aware of what is called mental health. Why it is important to take care of it on the primary basis. The time I got my depression attack for the first time, I came to know how strongly it impacts human mind. How important it is to take care of your mental health on a regular basis.

How it is started I don’t know but there were various different symptoms started during the time of my jobless period, or I may say the time I started searching jobs after leaving govt job. I felt somebody is following me wherever I go, somebody is keeping tap on my laptop work on a daily basis. Somebody is stealing my data from my laptop, my laptop is getting hacked by somebody. And that somebody is not very well known but known to me. But I was not having any prove to catch the person. There was lot of sleeplessness or over sleep was happening. I never discussed this issue with anyone just because I thought it was a phase and might be my own illusion. One day it will go!

Second phase started on a very higher note. I was out of my mind, strong mental attack I was getting. My body language was out of my control, my brain and my mind were not working in a balance manner, or in a clearer manner, instruction of my brain was not responded by my mind. This time I have been hospitalized at AIIMS, Pune. Lot of medication, injection happened. Few days I was admitted with proper care. Then I was released. They recommended me to CIP Ranchi, for further treatment. Cip was a new place where I got awestruck by seeing their patients. Thousands and thousands of patients were roaming there with their own deficiency. First time I have gone through counselling with Dr Saswati then treatment started with medication. During counselling period, I came to know that depression is not exactly a disease, it’s a disorder, which was said by my counselor Dr Saswati.

I was extremely down because not only of that I was not married, I was jobless but because of I always used to feel I am very open-minded person. My life is an open book. I was always open to my parents about my life. Except for a fact that I have been physically and sexually abused. And that’s the final sentence asked from CIP Ranchi and I said yes.

I was with medication since 2013 till 2017.

I was more down as my family was feeling down. The awareness of depression or any kind of mental illness is not very high in my family. They got quite scared by looking at my health and medicinal effects. Which was not surprising for me.

Doctor told me it may come back during pregnancy. And it just happened. It was a huge hue and cry. Past resurrection. Lot of hormonal secretion.

The absurd thing is what happened after that. Hearing voices of close people, anxiety attack, the reason behind my breakups with my boyfriend…those thought was continuously knocking me. I was getting phobia of past. My body was feeling extreme light, there was sleeplessness happened again, and this time not one night. It was two three nights. It was a kind of senselessness. I was taken to AIIMS Bhopal. And they said medicine will continue for next two years. I was always doctor’s favorite, since the time I was born. I have heard about this story from my mom.

I ask myself how long this episode of life will continue? And the answer is blank in my head.